If I Stand

Happy New Year!

I heard this song recently and though it's an oldie, the words really resonated in my heart.  "Stuff of earth competes for the allegiance I owe only to the giver of all good things..."  Rich had a way with words.  How many of us can relate with this competition for our allegiance?

This is our first week back in the CSBS and the students are studying Hosea.  In lectures, Megan Burmester, who was teaching Hosea, called God's love "a love that tolerates no rival."  Pretty grateful that the same God who desires our undivided affection has grace when we screw up and go after the stuff of earth rather than him.  I need that grace today.  

Anyway, here's the lyrics and a link to the song on youtube.  Hope you are encouraged by this song!

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

December memories of Jeff & Patrick

This time of year can be a little melancholy for me.
I've been thinking of friends and family who have passed away... mainly two guys.
My brother, who's birthday is December 14th, would be 33 this year.  Weird.
And then there's my buddy Patrick who died last December.  He had just turned 30.

I've had the privilege of listening to a few live bands the last few weeks and as fun as it has been, it has been bittersweet.  Jeff and Pat were both music lovers so watching people play music (and have fun playing) reminds me of them.  I remember playing with Jeff and our dreams of being in a band.  We weren't that great... we didn't have the same style and were always fighting over what songs to play or how to play them... but I'd still love to be able to play with Jeff again, even if the only dynamics he used was FORTISSIMO.  We loved playing "Folsom Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash and "Break on Through to the Other Side" by the Doors.  Pat was a high school friend who, along with a few others, taught me how to play guitar.  He wasn't super great either, but again... we had fun.  I learned how to play a few Zeppelin songs like "Over the Hills and Far Away" and "Stairway to Heaven" from him.

I don't normally talk about the following stuff, as it can feel like I'm speaking ill of the dead, but it's heavy on my heart... I hope you know my intentions aren't too speak poorly of my brother or of Pat... but here goes:  Both Jeff and Patrick died too early because of addictions they couldn't shake.

My brother was convinced he was invincible with drunk driving... he'd been in so many accidents that he'd walked away from somehow.  (They never were his fault, either...)  We even joked about the "Jeff Wellman Special" he pulled when he knocked over a power pole after flipping his car several times.  I think I never wanted to admit that his final car accident was a result of alcohol... I felt like people judged my brother and I didn't want to give them reason for their judgment.  I didn't want to remember him for his faults.  I don't really want people to remember me for mine.

Pat had a relapse and overdosed on heroin.  I know people judged him, too.  I was at his memorial and heard some of the well-intentioned but hurtful comments.

And while this is not how I want to remember them, it is part of their life stories.  It breaks my heart that addictions took the life of these two young men.  It breaks my heart that they struggled to fight addiction (sometimes they didn't really try to fight it...) and were often alone in the struggle.  It breaks my heart that I wasn't able to do more for either of them.  I didn't know how to deal with it.  Not sure why I'm even sharing this in my blog.

I guess I just miss them... no, it's not even that.  I don't miss that part of them.  Jeff could be a real jerk when he was belligerent and convinced he wasn't drunk.  And I'm kind of glad I never saw Patrick during the years he struggled with his addiction even though I made efforts.  (I feel guilty admitting that...  I feel like a horrible friend.)

I do miss them.  But I think what hurts the most is that I miss what could have been.

I'm sad Jeff and I didn't get that summer to hang out and play music and float down the river like we had planned when I returned home from Australia.  I'm sad that I didn't catch up with Pat last December like we had planned the weekend before he died.
I'm sad that I have regrets.
I'm sad that I have guilt for having regrets.  (Because I've been taught you shouldn't have them.)
I'm sad when I see guys their age who are successful or who have families... I feel like addictions robbed them of their chance at either.

I'm even sad that I am afraid to post this because you might judge them...
or try to give me some advice which I neither need nor want.
Why do I want to post this?
What great moral could I pull out of all of this pain and heartache?
Don't drink and drive?  Don't do drugs?
Sure... I would love if me telling you that would encourage you to get help and stop doing either.
But I doubt it would.
Maybe this post is for my friends, like me, who don't struggle with drug or alcohol addictions.
A message to love well and not give up on our loved ones who do struggle with this crap.
A message to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world.

I honestly don't have a message or moral to share.  I just felt like I needed to share.  But here's some verses from Micah that have reminded me of the only hope and positive thing I can share... which is my God's character.  He doesn't change, even when I'm sad or angry.  Even when I feel angry with myself for still dealing with grief.  Even when I feel robbed of the "what could have beens."  God is still here.  His love for Jeff and Patrick never failed.  His love for me never failed.  He hasn't left me to sit in the pits alone.
He's with us.  I guess that's pretty cool.

Who is a God like you, 
pardoning iniquity and passing over the transgression 
of the remnant of your possession?
He does not retain his anger forever, 
because he delights in showing clemency.
He will again have compassion on us;
he will tread our iniquities under foot.
You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
You will show faithfulness to Jacob
and unswerving loyalty to Abraham,
as you have sworn to our ancestors from the days of old.
Micah 7:18-20

Family photo 1982 - isn't Jeff adorable?  So excited for newborn itty-bitty sister Jillian!   

Patrick doing what he loved - playing songs and making people smile.  

Job Complete

I taught the book of Job last week and the students had a special assignment to create videos telling the story creatively.  There is so much to this book, but here are a few things I took away from this book:

• When life hurts, answers won't make things better.  We need God more than answers.
• When we cry out to God in our pain, we join with many others who lamented to him in the Bible:  David, Jeremiah, Job, and Jesus... just to name a few.  Those laments weren't edited out of the Bible... they stand as a reminder that it's okay to talk with God in our pain.
• If a person is suffering, it is not necessarily a result of sin.  On the other hand, if someone is "righteous" it does not mean they will not have suffering in life.  God is relational, not transactional.  Things aren't always cause and effect.  

In less than 3 weeks I will be teaching Micah for our CSBS and the Tijuana CSBS, so I must keep this update short as I have much work to do!  I will teach on December 10th in Tijuana and on the 11th in Los Angeles.  Really looking forward to diving into the prophets.

Oh yes, here's a video from Job from one of the groups - hope you enjoy!

Is it November already???

Frontside of Trailer 15 - My house!  I have 4 awesome roommates and the other side of the house is a nice Australian/American family with two kids

Here's me grading homework in a vacant cubicle

Here's the SBS Classroom - Our Theme is Illumination

Campfire at Joshua Tree National Park

Our new yellow wall!  

CHOC Walk at Disneyland - with Phineas & Ferb

I'm pretty excited to share that the CSBS in Los Angeles is well underway - they've finished Genesis through Samuel and are gearing up for the Wisdom Literature section (Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs, and Job - which I will be teaching!)  We went to Joshua Tree National Park for the "Wilderness Wandering" a few weeks ago, where the students reenacted stories from Exodus and Numbers.  I've been quite busy in the last month, mostly with grading, meeting with students, and prepping my own teaching times as well as working Friday nights in the coffee shop on base.  But, no excuses, it was time for an update!

In my free time, I've been settling into my home here in Lake View Terrace.  My roommate, Emily and I painted our room (we have a happy yellow wall now), I've seen some old friends in Orange County, and I participated in the CHOC Walk - a fundraiser for Children's Hospital of Orange County.  I've also found a home-away-from-home church down the road - Winds of Hope, a Spanish/English Church with a similar feel to it as Hockinson Community Church and Central Kona Union - it's small, but full of life!  

Some fun news, I'll be bringing two girls from the school home to Washington with me for Christmas - Eva and Emilie from Germany and Sweden.  We will be driving up on Saturday, December 22nd and arriving on the 23rd to stay for 2 weeks!  

So a few prayer requests:

- For students to keep going strong for the rest of the quarter (and the 2 quarters after!)

- For my upcoming teaching on the book of Job on November 19th-20th

- For strength & energy for myself (and the other staff) as we grade, teach, and help with base responsibilities

- For my back, I tweaked it at the beach last week and it's still quite painful :/  

Thank you so much for your prayers and for taking the time to read what's been happening with me in California!  Dios te Bendiga!!!

Genesis 2012

Cliff teaching Genesis (Our theme verse is on the wall!)



"Truth Board" - During worship each week the students write down what God has been revealing to them through their studies - this is our first one!

The Chronological School of Biblical Studies (CSBS) kicked off Sunday night with 24 students and 8 staff.  We spent time in worship and getting to know one another on Monday, but then Tuesday brought on Genesis first readings!  (This is where the students read the whole book out loud in one sitting to get the big picture before they dive into the details.)  Yesterday we took time out from Genesis and went to Manhattan Beach.  I loved being back in the waves!  I think I had a perma-grin the whole day.  (In case you didn’t know, I love the ocean.)  

About our students:  I LOVE THEM!  Such a great group of passionate young people who want to change the world.  But there is some baggage they carry with them.  (Don’t we all?)  Without going into details, a large percentage of our students have dealt with major grief issues in the past year - from a brother who committed suicide to a fellow DTS classmate who was murdered after she had returned home.  There’s some heartache in our group and I am so humbled to be part of shepherding this flock of wounded sheep, if you will.  What I love though, is that they have come to the Bible for healing, for truth, for some sort of foundation for the hope that they have.  It reminds me of when I first came to my CSBS in 2009.  I didn’t have any great aspirations... my heart was hurting and I missed my brother... but I came to Jesus and met him in the pages of the Bible.  My heart’s cry was like the disciple, Peter, when Jesus was saying difficult things and causing his disciples to make a conscious decision... it wasn’t a huge statement of faith... it was a basic realization that Jesus was THE only answer.

66 After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. 67 So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” 68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, 69 and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”  (John 6:66-69)

I believe that is why our students have come.  They believe Jesus has the words of eternal life and that he alone is the Holy One of God.  Some of them have believed this for a long time, some have only believed this for under a year and don’t even know the name of the guy who was in the ark or in the belly of the big fish.  We are all going to be learning and growing as we sit at the feet of the Holy One of God, the one who has the words of eternal life.  

So please pray for us.  Bible study is not like other studies.  It changes us, molds us more into the people we were created to be.  Sometimes that is an easy and natural process, sometimes it is a painful, yet beautiful process.  

• Pray for the students who have recently lost a friend or loved one.  
• Pray for the students who have been living as missionaries for a few years, but became disillusioned and are coming to the Bible to strengthen their foundations so they can continue to serve for the long haul.  
• Pray for the students who just came to know Jesus in 2012 and have chosen to start off their relationship with him digging into the Bible to know him more.  
• And by all means, please pray for us staff who have the privilege and responsibility to lead and teach these little ones.  
• Pray that we might have the fear of the Lord in all we do, that we would teach and live with integrity, and that we might flourish in this season and not burn out.  
• Pray for our leaders, Nigel & Megan Burmester!  They are an awesome family and are carrying a lot of things on their shoulders in this time.  Megan is homeschooling her two boys, leading a women's bible study at her church, and helping to co-lead this school!  Nigel is co-leading this school and also an elder for YWAM Los Angeles and a go-to guy for the accounting office.  They need prayers for grace and extra hours in the day.  

What about you?  Have you ever felt like you had no where else to go?  Like you came to Jesus because you had tried everything else and finally realized he was the only answer, the only resolution to your searches?  How did you find him in that moment?  Was it through the Bible, through a friend, through a good book or song?  How could you encourage someone else to turn to him?  

Thanks for reading this, praying, and commenting!  

In LA!

I hit the ground running here.  Once I dropped Dad off at Burbank airport, I drove back and immediately joined the other staff for 2 weeks of staff training and preparation for the Chronological School of Biblical Studies!  The CSBS starts tomorrow.  I am in between airport runs at the moment, so I probably won't write much right now.  

Los Angeles is... in a few words... hot, refreshing, really hot, feeling like home, but really hot right now.  :)  Seriously, it does feel like I'm supposed to be here and that God has been orchestrating this season in my life as he has always been doing.  I drove down with my finances dwindling after purchasing my car, but this week was blessed with enough money to pay back some money I had borrowed for tires, as well as enough to pay for my food and housing fees for September and October and my car insurance for six months.  

I want to share more about who gave towards me and acknowledge each person by name, but at the risk of embarrassing someone, I'll just say... THANK YOU.  I have some very generous friends and family who love me and give towards the missions work I do.  And I'd like to say, "We made it!"  I'm here in LA because of you!  I'm still serving the Lord as a full-time volunteer because of you!  

Okay, I better be off now... one more girl to pick up from Burbank airport tonight!  

More updates to come!

Love,

Jillian

Going to California

I want to share a bit about Los Angeles and why I'm so excited to be moving to the city of Angels.  

But first, a little retrospect.

I have worked with Youth With A Mission for nearly 10 years.  I have lived in cities and I have lived in villages.  I have lived with electricity and without.  I have lived in houses without walls (Fale in Samoa) and I have lived in dorms without kitchens.  I have traveled to and lived in 16 different nations with no salary.  I rely on the Lord to provide my financial needs, and most often he does this through my awesome friends and family - people who see what I do as valuable and worth supporting.  There have been years where this has meant trusting God for enough money to buy toothpaste and there have been years where I've had abundance and have been able take friends out for dinner.  

But what keeps me going?  Why am I still in YWAM after all these years?  

It comes down to me truly believing that what I do makes a difference in this world.  I admit I'm not perfect (surprise!) and neither is YWAM.  But as I serve in my area of YWAM (Staffing in the SBS - School of Biblical Studies) I believe I am making a difference in my students' lives and I'm also playing a part of a much bigger production that is making a difference in the lives of many.  YWAM is a big movement.  Over 1000 operating locations in over 180 countries, with a (all volunteer) staff of over 18,000?  It's a little crazy.  But I am part of this crazy big movement.  I have former students that I have mentored (we call it discipleship) who are now serving in Papua New Guinea in the area of primary health care.  I have friends in Kona who are working to advance the Gospel through marine biology!  We do everything from straight up Bible teaching and evangelism to meeting practical needs like sustainable clean water projects.  I am still with YWAM because I have seen lives changed by this movement, my own life included.  

So... why Los Angeles and why SBS?

It's my part to play.  I believe the Bible has the power to transform individuals and societies.  I believe Christians need to know what the Bible says in order to communicate the Gospel message to the world.  And the School of Biblical Studies equips Christians to know the Bible.  And while the SBS is run all over the world, I am excited to move back to Los Angeles and work with the Chronological SBS there because of relationships I have there.  Let's face it.  Working relationships can make or break a job, right?  It's no different in Christian ministry.  Even in the Bible there were a couple guys who didn't work well together and parted ways because of a disagreement over another colleague's involvement in their ministry.  I'm not going to LA because I think it superior in beauty to Hawaii!  I am going because I believe God is calling me to serve at YWAM LA... and because I believe the working relationships there will be more fitting for me, and therefore, I will be able to serve in a greater capacity.  That's why I'm excited to be moving to Los Angeles!  It's the people!  And the order... I love studying and teaching the Bible in Chronological order.  It just makes the story come alive!  Oh, and LA is such a mix of cultures!  And it is closer to home than Hawai'i!  And... the list goes on... but the main thing is, God is totally behind this move.  I feel such peace and excitement in going to LA.  Even the thought of smog doesn't deter me!  

There is a lot happening with YWAM Los Angeles, and I encourage you to check it out and see how you can get involved.  

www.ywamla.org 

  

PS.  Washingtonians:  Come to Hockinson Community Church this Sunday, August 26th!  It's my last Sunday before I leave for LA and I'll be there with my ukulele!  :)