I've been thinking of friends and family who have passed away... mainly two guys.
My brother, who's birthday is December 14th, would be 33 this year. Weird.
And then there's my buddy Patrick who died last December. He had just turned 30.
I've had the privilege of listening to a few live bands the last few weeks and as fun as it has been, it has been bittersweet. Jeff and Pat were both music lovers so watching people play music (and have fun playing) reminds me of them. I remember playing with Jeff and our dreams of being in a band. We weren't that great... we didn't have the same style and were always fighting over what songs to play or how to play them... but I'd still love to be able to play with Jeff again, even if the only dynamics he used was FORTISSIMO. We loved playing "Folsom Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash and "Break on Through to the Other Side" by the Doors. Pat was a high school friend who, along with a few others, taught me how to play guitar. He wasn't super great either, but again... we had fun. I learned how to play a few Zeppelin songs like "Over the Hills and Far Away" and "Stairway to Heaven" from him.
I don't normally talk about the following stuff, as it can feel like I'm speaking ill of the dead, but it's heavy on my heart... I hope you know my intentions aren't too speak poorly of my brother or of Pat... but here goes: Both Jeff and Patrick died too early because of addictions they couldn't shake.
My brother was convinced he was invincible with drunk driving... he'd been in so many accidents that he'd walked away from somehow. (They never were his fault, either...) We even joked about the "Jeff Wellman Special" he pulled when he knocked over a power pole after flipping his car several times. I think I never wanted to admit that his final car accident was a result of alcohol... I felt like people judged my brother and I didn't want to give them reason for their judgment. I didn't want to remember him for his faults. I don't really want people to remember me for mine.
Pat had a relapse and overdosed on heroin. I know people judged him, too. I was at his memorial and heard some of the well-intentioned but hurtful comments.
And while this is not how I want to remember them, it is part of their life stories. It breaks my heart that addictions took the life of these two young men. It breaks my heart that they struggled to fight addiction (sometimes they didn't really try to fight it...) and were often alone in the struggle. It breaks my heart that I wasn't able to do more for either of them. I didn't know how to deal with it. Not sure why I'm even sharing this in my blog.
I guess I just miss them... no, it's not even that. I don't miss that part of them. Jeff could be a real jerk when he was belligerent and convinced he wasn't drunk. And I'm kind of glad I never saw Patrick during the years he struggled with his addiction even though I made efforts. (I feel guilty admitting that... I feel like a horrible friend.)
I do miss them. But I think what hurts the most is that I miss what could have been.
I'm sad Jeff and I didn't get that summer to hang out and play music and float down the river like we had planned when I returned home from Australia. I'm sad that I didn't catch up with Pat last December like we had planned the weekend before he died.
I'm sad that I have regrets.
I'm sad that I have guilt for having regrets. (Because I've been taught you shouldn't have them.)
I'm sad when I see guys their age who are successful or who have families... I feel like addictions robbed them of their chance at either.
I'm even sad that I am afraid to post this because you might judge them...
or try to give me some advice which I neither need nor want.
Why do I want to post this?
What great moral could I pull out of all of this pain and heartache?
Don't drink and drive? Don't do drugs?
Sure... I would love if me telling you that would encourage you to get help and stop doing either.
But I doubt it would.
Maybe this post is for my friends, like me, who don't struggle with drug or alcohol addictions.
A message to love well and not give up on our loved ones who do struggle with this crap.
A message to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world.
I honestly don't have a message or moral to share. I just felt like I needed to share. But here's some verses from Micah that have reminded me of the only hope and positive thing I can share... which is my God's character. He doesn't change, even when I'm sad or angry. Even when I feel angry with myself for still dealing with grief. Even when I feel robbed of the "what could have beens." God is still here. His love for Jeff and Patrick never failed. His love for me never failed. He hasn't left me to sit in the pits alone.
He's with us. I guess that's pretty cool.
Who is a God like you,
pardoning iniquity and passing over the transgression
of the remnant of your possession?
He does not retain his anger forever,
because he delights in showing clemency.
He will again have compassion on us;
he will tread our iniquities under foot.
You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
You will show faithfulness to Jacob
and unswerving loyalty to Abraham,
as you have sworn to our ancestors from the days of old.
Micah 7:18-20
Family photo 1982 - isn't Jeff adorable? So excited for newborn itty-bitty sister Jillian!
Patrick doing what he loved - playing songs and making people smile.
