Moving Emotions

Los Angeles, California

Yacolt, Washington

I'm moving from Los Angeles (Pop. 3.858 million) to Yacolt (Pop. 1,556) in less than five weeks.
I know, those numbers make me smile, too.

But, I have mixed emotions attached to leaving LA, Southern California, my friends, and Youth With A Mission... this is a big deal for me.  Don't get me wrong, I've moved around a LOT during my time with YWAM - 21 different times, to be exact.  I should be good at this moving thing by now, right? But this move is different:  For the first time since 2001, I'll be moving back to Washington with the intention of staying... residing... living there.  In my Grandma's house on my parents' property, no less.

Grandma's House

My parents are elated.  Friends from Washington are getting excited and we're making plans for the summer.  But, I'll be honest:  These are only two of my many emotions as I think of the move "home" to Yacolt.

Other emotions mixed in with the excitement and elation?

Fear
Sadness
Relief
Guilt
Confidence
Joy
Anxiety
Hope

I realize some of these emotions are based on reality and some are more based on perception.  But they are emotions I have within me, nonetheless.

I'm excited and joyful to be around friends and family in the Pacific Northwest, but sad to leave friends in Southern California.  I'm excited for the rain and the green, but sad to leave the constant sunshine and the ocean.  I'm elated at returning to rural living, but a little nervous about the isolation that comes with it.

I'm relieved to be moving on from the long hours and overexertion of full-time ministry, but feel guilty for wanting to have a break and for even being tired.

I'm anxious and afraid of the unknown, but I'm confident and trusting in God... or at least I'm trying.

The thing is, in my 20s, when most of my friends were getting degrees, establishing careers, buying homes, and starting families, I was a volunteer.  I didn't build up my savings or credit score.  I didn't earn any degrees beyond my Associates of Arts from 13 years ago.  I didn't work to hone only one or two marketable skills and I definitely didn't start a family.  And while I know deep down that my volunteer work with YWAM had purpose and value because it was done in obedience to God and made a difference in the lives of many individuals, I still have this fear that because I allegedly "wasted" my 20s, I will struggle for the rest of my life in these areas.

I was listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon Album last night, and as the ever-familiar tune, "Time" was playing, I found myself overly melancholy.  The emotions of this song resounded with some of the emotions I've felt as I've reflected on the last 11 years.  Let me share a few lyrics that really hit home.

"...And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death..."

The song seems to be quite fatalistic and hopeless, but then it has an unexpected twist - a Reprise from an earlier song on the album, "Breathe."  

"...Home, home again 

I like to be here when I can

And when I come home cold and tired

Its good to warm my bones beside the fire..."

(Now the song is stuck in your head, isn't it?)

The moral of the story:  Don't listen to Floyd when you're already feeling introspective and melancholy.  No, not really.  The moral is this:  There's always hope!  God is our home.  He warms our cold, tired hearts and souls.  He gives the purpose to our days that removes the futility of fatalism.  Thank you, Roger Waters, Richard Wright, David Gilmour, and Nick Mason for writing these lyrics.  I doubt we come to the same conclusions on the purpose of life, but I have found realness and truth in these verses.  

Back to my point... Even though I have fears and mixed emotions about this move... I have hope.  God has often brought beautiful surprises into my life when I have been brave enough to let go of the familiar and take the proverbial leap of faith.  Well, actually, it rarely had anything to do with my bravery... rather than a leap of faith, God would pry my hands off the ledge of familiarity so I fell into his good plans for my future.  I have hope because I know my life is not futile, that all of my days leading up to today were not spent in vain, and that the days to come will also have purpose - that purpose is found and is confirmed when I am "home."

Logical Jill can look back and see God's faithfulness in the past and trust him for the future.  She can trust that God's grace really is sufficient for her.
But Emotional Jill has hope and fear, joy and grief, guilt and confidence, anxiety and peace all coexisting within her.

But Logical Jill and Emotional Jill are both me.  So, if you see or hear me being a little "emotional" over the next five weeks as I make this move, just know I'm not losing it.  I'm not falling away from the Lord or on the brink of a nervous breakdown.  Just processing thoughts and emotions in my limited free time.  I'll be okay... because, though I have these mixed emotions, I have the truths I've learned from God and his Word to keep me anchored.

Teaching Titus - my last lecture for the CSBS this year.

By the way, the school I am staffing, the Chronological School of Biblical Studies, graduates on June 21st!  So... there's that.  :)