La la la la life goes on...

Not to say I have forgotten the events of the past few weeks, or that I am not thinking constantly of the Jensens, or my mom and dad... but it's true: life does go on... and whether I want to keep going with it or not is of no importance. Life goes on just the same. And for that, I am grateful. I have life today and I have people to love today, and I have things God put me here on earth to do... today.

SO... What's today hold? Well this week we've been studying Ephesians. I'm quite happy to say I actually completed the homework for this book (the last few weeks I didn't come close to finishing... couldn't focus, I guess.) And, while I did learn a lot about the historical background of Ephesus during the AD 60s and why this letter was so significant to the people then, the thing that I want to write about is this: it reminded me of when I was a sweet and [not-so-] innocent 19-year-old living in Orange County, CA. I realize not everyone knows this story, so I'll share a bit.

I had just moved back from Orlando, Florida where I had worked for Disney World (no comments, please!) and had started attending a church college group in Irvine as an attempt to reach out to God... I knew he had been reaching out to me, but I had put him on the proverbial shelf for a while. I still believed in God, but couldn't understand why he had let some things in my life happen, if he was all-powerful AND all-loving as I had been told. So I did things "my way" for a while. Anyway... the party life of the disney college program didn't seem to offer any lasting happiness, and actually, all I left with was remnants of a bad case of mono and cynicism.

So here I was in 2002, at a bible study group in Newport Beach with all these girls my age and older who seemed to be genuinely secure in who they were... and they were normal girls... we surfed together before work, we all had "normal" jobs... nobody was a crazy fanatic as I judged most Christians to be. (Like I said, I was cynical!) We studied a letter written by the Apostle Paul to the church in Ephesus... Its one of the books in the New Testament, Ephesians... the book we studied this week in class. The letter laid out the identity of God's children and I realized I didn't have security in who I was like the other girls in my group. I wasn't a size zero like my roommate, I drove a 92 two-tone blazer that parked next to her latest BMW 5 series... and I lived in the land of constant comparison - the OC. I even compared myself to these girls who cared for me and loved me through my cynicism and self-loathing. And I still had issues with God... didn't really know if he was good, if I could trust him...

I'd like to say things changed overnight, in one instance. But... it was the constant love and genuine care from those girls and also many other people in my life who had prayed for me for years... I began to see God's goodness in the different events of my life that had shaped my childhood and teen years - even the ones that had hurt me so deeply. I began to see that I really COULD trust God, and that he really loved me. REALLY.

As I began to understand God and his heart, I began to see myself as God saw me... not as the world did, not even as I formerly saw myself. I saw that in Jesus, I was CHOSEN... I was ACCEPTED... I was MADE NEW... I was LOVED... I had PURPOSE... and I was more MYSELF if that makes any sense.

That's the message of Ephesians to me.

You'd all know I was a liar if I said life was easy from that point on. The last few entries are evidence enough of the pain I've still experienced as a believer and follower of Jesus. But, I'm so grateful that God reached out to me, that he loved me through my crap, and that he gave me friends to help me see him more clearly. I'm grateful that he has given me comfort and hope in a way no one else could, through things I never imagined I would experience, but know I would not have survived had it not been for his presence in my life.

Has God used a particular message from the Bible to reach out to you? Has he used people to draw you to him? I would love to hear your stories...

Love you all,

Jillian

Loss...

What a week...

The three year anniversary of my brother's death...

Flying home for less than 24 hours to attend Luke's memorial...

And more death and more cancer in the families of my friends...

It's been a tough week for a lot of us.

This is going to sound ridiculous: I feel torn between who to feature in my profile picture on Facebook... Lukey or my brother. So I've been sort of switching them out. Stupid, really... Facebook... But I just want to somehow honor them both, and, well, Facebook is the best I can do right now, I guess. Luke's face is still fresh in my memory. My brother's is starting to blur a bit, so I have been looking at photos a lot lately... I never thought it would happen. I was trying to think of how he looked the last time I saw him alive and I can't remember. It's driving me insane. I remember he had stopped by for a sandwich and cup of coffee on his way to work, and I was heading to Hawaii that weekend and wasn't going to see him for a few weeks... I remember standing in our driveway talking while he was sitting in his car... but I can't remember what we talked about, can't picture his face or what he was wearing... maybe its not important.

I was talking with one of my roommates the other day about loss... the pros and cons of knowing one might die vs. sudden death. I can't say I like either. And I can't really compare.

I hated watching Luke suffer, and I wasn't even there for the half of it. But, I loved that his cancer made him want to make the most of his life, and made others want to as well. I loved when he gave me hugs, knowing how precious a commodity they were, and I told him I loved him every time I saw him, even that last time back in March... in a weird and horrid way, it was actually a blessing to know he might die.

With Jeff, I have to be honest, I took those things for granted. I thought he'd be around forever. He had had several car accidents where he totaled the car, yet walked away... I'd come to think he was untouchable. I think he thought he was, too. I don't know if I said "I love you" the last time I saw him. I think I did, but I can't remember. I know he knew I did, but still... I don't know. Its not that I have regrets... well, maybe I do, but I regret having them. Schmeh.

A friend of mine commented as he drove me to the airport (to fly home for Luke's service) that he hadn't lost any close family members or friends. I think he said this to say, "I'm sorry I can't comprehend what you are going through, so I'm not going to lie and say I can." I appreciate honesty, and I seriously dislike when people try to say they do know what I am going through, or they try to give me some sort of spiritual pat-answer.

But as this friend pointed out his lack of comprehension of grief, I realized... we are a different breed. Those of us who have had close loved ones die. Its like a club nobody wants to be a member of, but the members are grateful there are other members in the club. I know when I became a member, I was glad there were already others in the club who I could talk to and process my crazy emotions and thoughts with.

However, ultimately, even those in the club can't relate to everything... each loved one is different, each relationship was different. I've spoken to friends who lost brothers much longer ago than I, and one who lost two brothers more recently... but it's different. Their relationships were different. My brother and I had our unique parents, and we ourselves are unique... Nobody can quite understand the loss I feel. And as much as I hate the cliche-ness of the following statement when used by someone with no understanding of its truth, I've come to realize that it is, in fact, truth, and I've come to experience the comfort of it: Only Jesus knows exactly what I am going through. He knows. He is my source of comfort, my source of hope. He knows.

I guess this was a lot of rambling... but I just felt like expressing some of the thoughts running through my brain that are keeping me from doing anything productive in my homework.

I posted some photos of my brother and I and also Luke and I.

That way, I don't have to feel bad which one I choose for Facebook.

We love you Luke!

Lukey stepped in to heaven yesterday morning.

I wish I had some profound words to say to his momma, my dear friend Vikki, or to Jake and Tori, his brother and sister who now share something in common with me - the loss of a brother... but I know words don't take the pain away.

Selfishly, I wish I could play Jenga with all of them one more time, or nerf wars, or go swimming with them and the cousins again.

And while I know God is good and Luke is with him in heaven, without pain and completely cancer-free, and while I know God will eventually bring the Jensens and their extended family through the time of grief... for now... its just heartbreaking.

I feel detached from it all, living down in LA... but I'm so glad I spent some quality time with them all back in March... I don't really know what to say to my friends here. Luke became quite famous, and friends of mine from around the world have been praying for him and his family. I know they will continue to pray for the family, but I just wish I could say something.

So, no news about my school this week... just a tribute to my buddy, Luke. He will be missed by so many, myself included. I will even miss how he'd call my bum jiggly... Well, sort of. Mostly I'll miss his sweet smile and amazing attitude through stuff most adults would balk at.

Maybe he'll pick on my brother in heaven for me until I get there. I imagine they'd get along. Both are a little stubborn and ornery... both have amazing senses of humor... both loved Legos here on this earth... yeah... I don't know what heaven is like, but if it is anything like I imagine, I think they'd be friends.

Vikki, Steve, Jake, Tori... I'm praying for you all and crying with you over the hole in our lives where Luke used to be. I pray that God comforts you in a way only he can in this time, where human words and actions fail, I pray he would know just the right touch, words, and even memories to bring to your mind. I think he can do that... He's God, after all.

Love you guys sooooo much.

Jillian