What a week...
The three year anniversary of my brother's death...
Flying home for less than 24 hours to attend Luke's memorial...
And more death and more cancer in the families of my friends...
It's been a tough week for a lot of us.
This is going to sound ridiculous: I feel torn between who to feature in my profile picture on Facebook... Lukey or my brother. So I've been sort of switching them out. Stupid, really... Facebook... But I just want to somehow honor them both, and, well, Facebook is the best I can do right now, I guess. Luke's face is still fresh in my memory. My brother's is starting to blur a bit, so I have been looking at photos a lot lately... I never thought it would happen. I was trying to think of how he looked the last time I saw him alive and I can't remember. It's driving me insane. I remember he had stopped by for a sandwich and cup of coffee on his way to work, and I was heading to Hawaii that weekend and wasn't going to see him for a few weeks... I remember standing in our driveway talking while he was sitting in his car... but I can't remember what we talked about, can't picture his face or what he was wearing... maybe its not important.
I was talking with one of my roommates the other day about loss... the pros and cons of knowing one might die vs. sudden death. I can't say I like either. And I can't really compare.
I hated watching Luke suffer, and I wasn't even there for the half of it. But, I loved that his cancer made him want to make the most of his life, and made others want to as well. I loved when he gave me hugs, knowing how precious a commodity they were, and I told him I loved him every time I saw him, even that last time back in March... in a weird and horrid way, it was actually a blessing to know he might die.
With Jeff, I have to be honest, I took those things for granted. I thought he'd be around forever. He had had several car accidents where he totaled the car, yet walked away... I'd come to think he was untouchable. I think he thought he was, too. I don't know if I said "I love you" the last time I saw him. I think I did, but I can't remember. I know he knew I did, but still... I don't know. Its not that I have regrets... well, maybe I do, but I regret having them. Schmeh.
A friend of mine commented as he drove me to the airport (to fly home for Luke's service) that he hadn't lost any close family members or friends. I think he said this to say, "I'm sorry I can't comprehend what you are going through, so I'm not going to lie and say I can." I appreciate honesty, and I seriously dislike when people try to say they do know what I am going through, or they try to give me some sort of spiritual pat-answer.
But as this friend pointed out his lack of comprehension of grief, I realized... we are a different breed. Those of us who have had close loved ones die. Its like a club nobody wants to be a member of, but the members are grateful there are other members in the club. I know when I became a member, I was glad there were already others in the club who I could talk to and process my crazy emotions and thoughts with.
However, ultimately, even those in the club can't relate to everything... each loved one is different, each relationship was different. I've spoken to friends who lost brothers much longer ago than I, and one who lost two brothers more recently... but it's different. Their relationships were different. My brother and I had our unique parents, and we ourselves are unique... Nobody can quite understand the loss I feel. And as much as I hate the cliche-ness of the following statement when used by someone with no understanding of its truth, I've come to realize that it is, in fact, truth, and I've come to experience the comfort of it: Only Jesus knows exactly what I am going through. He knows. He is my source of comfort, my source of hope. He knows.
I guess this was a lot of rambling... but I just felt like expressing some of the thoughts running through my brain that are keeping me from doing anything productive in my homework.
I posted some photos of my brother and I and also Luke and I.
That way, I don't have to feel bad which one I choose for Facebook.
Hi Jill, I'm not one to post much but I follow your blog... I know your loss and my loss are unique and different, but what you wrote here really touched on what I've been feeling with respect to my Mom. I'm a member of the club too but just a little further along. I can't hardly picture her face without a photo, I don't dream she's not gone anymore, and those regrets I'm not sure if I'm feeling are fading. It does sound cliched, but time truly does heal wounds.
ReplyDeleteAnd while our Source of comfort hasn't changed, it feels very different now. When Mom died it was a heavy sense of peace that filled the room- now it's just quiet.
Lastly, regarding the debate over sudden death versus knowing we're dying... I'll take knowledge that we're dying every time. In fact, we're called to live that way.
Jillian....I don't know you but we have a number of things in common. Your name Jillian is my daughters name, your middle name Esther was my precious Grandma's name and is my middle name as well. I also lost my brother in a car accident last summer.....July 14 will be our one year anniversary, Luke Jensen was so special to me....I was one of his 2nd grade teachers. I love the Jensens....Vikkis, Steve, Jake, and Torie...can you see why I say that we have a few things in common? I loved reading what you wrote about your feelings about Luke and your brother....I thought I would always have "later" with my brother as well and I wonder if I told him that I loved him the last time we talked....I think I did. Grieving is a hard thing and I don't think that there is an easy way to do it....I don't know that I like the idea of knowing ahead of time if I was going to die or just dying one day. I am 52 years old and so many of these things I had never spent time thinking about....until one day last summer. I was out of the country on a mission trip to the Dominican Republic....I didn't notice whether you had been there or not. Anyway.....hard to be so far from home when you get the news...but would it have made it any better if I had been home? I don't think so......so sorry to be going on. ...just wanted you to know that I understand some of what you are going thru....I will pray for you Jillian Esther...God bless you and thanks for listening! Lori Kristensen
ReplyDeleteLori, thanks so much! Vikki just told me you posted on this, so I had to check it out. Yes... I think we do have a lot in common... I was in Hawaii when my brother had his car accident, I had just flown there the day before to attend a leadership seminar, then he died (on mother's day) and I got the call that afternoon and flew home the next day. It was such a whirlwind.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing, seriously, its nice to know we're not alone. I guess I'm further along on the grief path with my brother - 3 years now... but it still hurts and I still feel the pain of loss. So... I can understand, especially as I think of that first year for me... it was fine one minute and horrible the next... so many mixed emotions! Anyway, maybe I will see you around this summer, I'm going to be in Washington this August after I get home from Thailand. (can't wait!) Take care!