Not to say I have forgotten the events of the past few weeks, or that I am not thinking constantly of the Jensens, or my mom and dad... but it's true: life does go on... and whether I want to keep going with it or not is of no importance. Life goes on just the same. And for that, I am grateful. I have life today and I have people to love today, and I have things God put me here on earth to do... today.
SO... What's today hold? Well this week we've been studying Ephesians. I'm quite happy to say I actually completed the homework for this book (the last few weeks I didn't come close to finishing... couldn't focus, I guess.) And, while I did learn a lot about the historical background of Ephesus during the AD 60s and why this letter was so significant to the people then, the thing that I want to write about is this: it reminded me of when I was a sweet and [not-so-] innocent 19-year-old living in Orange County, CA. I realize not everyone knows this story, so I'll share a bit.
I had just moved back from Orlando, Florida where I had worked for Disney World (no comments, please!) and had started attending a church college group in Irvine as an attempt to reach out to God... I knew he had been reaching out to me, but I had put him on the proverbial shelf for a while. I still believed in God, but couldn't understand why he had let some things in my life happen, if he was all-powerful AND all-loving as I had been told. So I did things "my way" for a while. Anyway... the party life of the disney college program didn't seem to offer any lasting happiness, and actually, all I left with was remnants of a bad case of mono and cynicism.
So here I was in 2002, at a bible study group in Newport Beach with all these girls my age and older who seemed to be genuinely secure in who they were... and they were normal girls... we surfed together before work, we all had "normal" jobs... nobody was a crazy fanatic as I judged most Christians to be. (Like I said, I was cynical!) We studied a letter written by the Apostle Paul to the church in Ephesus... Its one of the books in the New Testament, Ephesians... the book we studied this week in class. The letter laid out the identity of God's children and I realized I didn't have security in who I was like the other girls in my group. I wasn't a size zero like my roommate, I drove a 92 two-tone blazer that parked next to her latest BMW 5 series... and I lived in the land of constant comparison - the OC. I even compared myself to these girls who cared for me and loved me through my cynicism and self-loathing. And I still had issues with God... didn't really know if he was good, if I could trust him...
I'd like to say things changed overnight, in one instance. But... it was the constant love and genuine care from those girls and also many other people in my life who had prayed for me for years... I began to see God's goodness in the different events of my life that had shaped my childhood and teen years - even the ones that had hurt me so deeply. I began to see that I really COULD trust God, and that he really loved me. REALLY.
As I began to understand God and his heart, I began to see myself as God saw me... not as the world did, not even as I formerly saw myself. I saw that in Jesus, I was CHOSEN... I was ACCEPTED... I was MADE NEW... I was LOVED... I had PURPOSE... and I was more MYSELF if that makes any sense.
That's the message of Ephesians to me.
You'd all know I was a liar if I said life was easy from that point on. The last few entries are evidence enough of the pain I've still experienced as a believer and follower of Jesus. But, I'm so grateful that God reached out to me, that he loved me through my crap, and that he gave me friends to help me see him more clearly. I'm grateful that he has given me comfort and hope in a way no one else could, through things I never imagined I would experience, but know I would not have survived had it not been for his presence in my life.
Has God used a particular message from the Bible to reach out to you? Has he used people to draw you to him? I would love to hear your stories...
Love you all,
Jillian
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