Don't cry over spilled milk. Or oil stain.

Moving back to Washington has been awesome.  But not without it's challenges.

Take for instance staining the cedar eaves of my house.
I probably shouldn't be doing this by myself, anyway.  What about me says balanced or coordinated on a ladder?  Hint: Not a lot.  Also, I have back issues and will be sore for the next couple days because I'm old like that.  But... I did the soffits (this is a new word I learned) last week, so I should be able to finish doing the eaves by myself, too.  Right?

Well... it was hot this morning.  I didn't wake up early enough to beat the sun like I had intended, so by the time I got up on the ladder around 9am and started staining it was pushing 90° and sweat was dripping into my eyes as I tilted my head back to look up at my work.  I plugged through anyway, but was already getting irritable - just hot and bothered - as the morning progressed.  Then it happened.  I moved the extension ladder to my next spot, climbed up and grabbed the brush out of the tray (which was balanced with the brush and unbalanced without) and yes, the tray full of oil stain tumbled to the ground, drenching the side of my house and several plants.

I cracked.  I yelled a couple choice words (good thing nobody was here) and tears just started streaming out of my eyeballs for no good reason.  I eventually pulled myself together, stopped my tantrum, and cleaned up the mess I had created.  I even finished staining to the corner.

I feel like this is an apt description of how transitioning to Washington is going for me.  I'm ambitious and driven, which can be awesome.  But, sometimes I keep going and going when I need to just stop before I dump a tray of oil stain all over the place.

For my friends who want updates about what I'm doing... sorry I haven't communicated much.  Most of my life right now has been working, working on my house, and spending time with my parents.  I usually feel the need to have something awesome to say when I write an update, but I guess this will have to do for now.

Moving Emotions

Los Angeles, California

Yacolt, Washington

I'm moving from Los Angeles (Pop. 3.858 million) to Yacolt (Pop. 1,556) in less than five weeks.
I know, those numbers make me smile, too.

But, I have mixed emotions attached to leaving LA, Southern California, my friends, and Youth With A Mission... this is a big deal for me.  Don't get me wrong, I've moved around a LOT during my time with YWAM - 21 different times, to be exact.  I should be good at this moving thing by now, right? But this move is different:  For the first time since 2001, I'll be moving back to Washington with the intention of staying... residing... living there.  In my Grandma's house on my parents' property, no less.

Grandma's House

My parents are elated.  Friends from Washington are getting excited and we're making plans for the summer.  But, I'll be honest:  These are only two of my many emotions as I think of the move "home" to Yacolt.

Other emotions mixed in with the excitement and elation?

Fear
Sadness
Relief
Guilt
Confidence
Joy
Anxiety
Hope

I realize some of these emotions are based on reality and some are more based on perception.  But they are emotions I have within me, nonetheless.

I'm excited and joyful to be around friends and family in the Pacific Northwest, but sad to leave friends in Southern California.  I'm excited for the rain and the green, but sad to leave the constant sunshine and the ocean.  I'm elated at returning to rural living, but a little nervous about the isolation that comes with it.

I'm relieved to be moving on from the long hours and overexertion of full-time ministry, but feel guilty for wanting to have a break and for even being tired.

I'm anxious and afraid of the unknown, but I'm confident and trusting in God... or at least I'm trying.

The thing is, in my 20s, when most of my friends were getting degrees, establishing careers, buying homes, and starting families, I was a volunteer.  I didn't build up my savings or credit score.  I didn't earn any degrees beyond my Associates of Arts from 13 years ago.  I didn't work to hone only one or two marketable skills and I definitely didn't start a family.  And while I know deep down that my volunteer work with YWAM had purpose and value because it was done in obedience to God and made a difference in the lives of many individuals, I still have this fear that because I allegedly "wasted" my 20s, I will struggle for the rest of my life in these areas.

I was listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon Album last night, and as the ever-familiar tune, "Time" was playing, I found myself overly melancholy.  The emotions of this song resounded with some of the emotions I've felt as I've reflected on the last 11 years.  Let me share a few lyrics that really hit home.

"...And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death..."

The song seems to be quite fatalistic and hopeless, but then it has an unexpected twist - a Reprise from an earlier song on the album, "Breathe."  

"...Home, home again 

I like to be here when I can

And when I come home cold and tired

Its good to warm my bones beside the fire..."

(Now the song is stuck in your head, isn't it?)

The moral of the story:  Don't listen to Floyd when you're already feeling introspective and melancholy.  No, not really.  The moral is this:  There's always hope!  God is our home.  He warms our cold, tired hearts and souls.  He gives the purpose to our days that removes the futility of fatalism.  Thank you, Roger Waters, Richard Wright, David Gilmour, and Nick Mason for writing these lyrics.  I doubt we come to the same conclusions on the purpose of life, but I have found realness and truth in these verses.  

Back to my point... Even though I have fears and mixed emotions about this move... I have hope.  God has often brought beautiful surprises into my life when I have been brave enough to let go of the familiar and take the proverbial leap of faith.  Well, actually, it rarely had anything to do with my bravery... rather than a leap of faith, God would pry my hands off the ledge of familiarity so I fell into his good plans for my future.  I have hope because I know my life is not futile, that all of my days leading up to today were not spent in vain, and that the days to come will also have purpose - that purpose is found and is confirmed when I am "home."

Logical Jill can look back and see God's faithfulness in the past and trust him for the future.  She can trust that God's grace really is sufficient for her.
But Emotional Jill has hope and fear, joy and grief, guilt and confidence, anxiety and peace all coexisting within her.

But Logical Jill and Emotional Jill are both me.  So, if you see or hear me being a little "emotional" over the next five weeks as I make this move, just know I'm not losing it.  I'm not falling away from the Lord or on the brink of a nervous breakdown.  Just processing thoughts and emotions in my limited free time.  I'll be okay... because, though I have these mixed emotions, I have the truths I've learned from God and his Word to keep me anchored.

Teaching Titus - my last lecture for the CSBS this year.

By the way, the school I am staffing, the Chronological School of Biblical Studies, graduates on June 21st!  So... there's that.  :)

What happens when you don't post for 6 months...

Last time I wrote was following the memorial for my Grandmother (mom's mom) who passed away in September.
About two weeks ago my Grandfather (dad's dad) passed away.

Jill & Grandpa c. 2009 in Kailua Kona, HI

It's been a rough year on my family.  While we rejoice that Grandma Joyce and Grandpa Lou are in heaven, we still miss them and grieve the loss we feel.
You'd think I'd be used to this grief thing by now, but... nope.  Still hurts.

Anyway, I feel I OUGHT to update you on my life a bit.
Since September, there has been a lot of happy stuff, too.

See?  Happy!  (Hiking in Tujunga Canyon, Angeles National Forest)

I taught some books in the CSBS (Chronological School of Biblical Studies):  Ruth, Job, Zephaniah, & Esther.  Our CSBS students finished the Old Testament and are well into the New Testament, studying James & Galatians this week.  They will graduate on June 21st and be commissioned to change their world with the truth of God's Word, whether in their hometowns or abroad.

I also taught in two DTS (Discipleship Training Schools) on Inductive Bible Study using the books of Philemon and Ephesians.  I've heard a lot of positive feedback from these students that they feel equipped to study the Bible and to teach others!  The current DTS students are now on outreach in Kenya, Panama/Costa Rica, and Ecuador and I'm excited to hear stories of how they used the tools of Inductive Bible Study to grow personally and also to study and teach the Bible!

But one of the big things that happened in the last 6 months is that I made a decision to move back to Washington this summer.  I think most of you already know this, but for those of you who didn't, now you do.

Wait... what???
It's true.
I'm moving back to Washington in July, after the CSBS graduates and I've packed my belongings into my little Kia Rio.  I'll be moving into my Grandma's house on my parents' property, fixing it up a bit, and making it my own.  I'm excited to live next-door to my mom and dad, to help out with things on the farm, and to live in the country again (fresh veggies, homegrown grass-fed beef, Lucia Falls, fir trees, Settlers of Catan with the neighbors across the creek...)
I'll also be getting a "normal" job, whatever that looks like.  I'm thinking coffee with some music on the side.  Having some consistent work hours, I hope to be able to be more involved with my family, my church, and my community.
My 11+ years with Youth With A Mission will come to an end in July and I'm still wrapping my mind around the implications of this statement.  I love YWAM.  I know I will miss many things about working in this organization, but I am also excited about what's to come.

Yep.
So, in case I don't update for another 6 months... that's what's up with me these days.

Above Lucia Falls, across the road from my house in WA

My Grandma the Missionary

This is what I shared at my Grandmother's Memorial today.  I hope it brings inspiration and encouragement to you.

Good afternoon. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jillian Wellman and I am Joyce’s granddaughter.

How many of you, at some point in your encounters with my Grandma, heard about the love of God from her - either directly or indirectly? (I think everyone raised their hands)

This is my greatest memory of my Grandma, and the legacy I hope to continue: She was always sharing about the Lord, his love, and his work in her life. And not in a judgmental way, either. If she didn’t share the same beliefs or opinions as someone, it didn’t diminish the way she treated that person with love and acceptance. We just saw pictures in the slideshow from when Grandma served the Lord in Nigeria. But the amount of hands raised earlier indicates that Joyce Hale was a missionary no matter her location or occupation.

Now, my Grandma wasn’t perfect. She’d be the first one to tell you she was a sinner who struggled to live rightly, just like you and I. However, she didn’t live from her status of imperfection, but from a place of grace. She had experienced and received the grace of Jesus in her life, and it impacted her so greatly that she lived from a place of grace toward others. That is what I mean when I say she was a missionary in her very essence. It wasn’t a job title she held when overseas. It was who she was.

My Grandma taught me so much about having a real and living relationship with God. She taught me that being in a relationship with God means serving him by serving others in love. Her relationship with God was lived out in all she did. Grandma taught me that no matter what life throws my way, God is WITH me. When my brother, Jeff died, she was the rock in my family that reminded us that we weren’t going through this grief alone, but that Jesus really was with us to comfort us. He wasn’t a distant or unavailable god. He was a good God. A God who cared for us. Grandma also taught me the power of forgiveness. Her life could have been a recipe for bitterness, burdens and reclusiveness. But because of forgiveness, her life was one of joy, freedom, and many wonderful relationships. 

Now, some of you will recall the two things in her life that taught us to pray the most: Her cooking and her driving. Yes, she was a terrible cook and a worse driver. But... often she was cooking for family and friends or driving to go shopping for baby clothes for a family at church, or to go visit her friend, Betty Jane, or to help lead a Bible Study. You see, even in her terrible culinary and driving skills, we saw her heart to serve and care for others.

I was so blessed to spend August with Grandma this year. We ate meals together, went shopping at Walmart together, went Garage Sailing together, and we had some great conversations... about life, love, work and the Lord. Some of my most treasured memories with Grandma were made this summer. We have always been close, ever since she lived with my family and our rooms were adjoined. But this summer, we were more than Grandmother and Granddaughter: we were friends. I will miss my Grandma greatly. I am changed... different... better because of her influence in my life.

And now, her prayers have become my prayers: that her family and friends would come to know the peace, hope, joy, and love that is found only in Jesus. And that those of us who do have relationship with Jesus would live like it: that we would be missionaries, that we would exude peace, hope, joy, and love, in all that we do, for the glory of God.

There are tulip bulbs in the foyer for each of you to take, to plant and remember Grandma.  The verse from 1^st Corinthians talks about each of us doing our part, but that ultimately, growth is up to the Lord.  Grandma did her part and found great joy in doing so.  Now it’s our turn.

 

Thank you, God, for the gift you gave us in Grandma.

Photos of CSBS Staff 2013

Taking photos with this year's staff was a lot of fun.  

Standing (from left to right): Anne, Geoff, Emily, Ylva, and Eva.  

Sitting (from left to right): Jillian, Nigel, Megan, and Patrick.

So blessed to be working with an AMAZING staff!  

Even if we are slightly awkward and a bit creepy.

I don't know what's happening.

Ylva's face says it all.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Outreach in the Caribbean was amazing!
Time visiting my family and friends in Washington was wonderful.
The UofN Workshop in San Antonio Del Mar, Mexico was also wonderful.

Now, it is time for the CSBS (Chronological School of Biblical Studies) to start TOMORROW!

Last year was pretty crazy.
We had over 20 students and lost 2 staff due to visa difficulties less than a quarter into the school.
But, we survived and a lot of awesome stuff came out of that school.  For a big chunk of the school, we had only 5 staff.

This CSBS, 4 of the students from last year are joining us as staff!  Which means we have 9 staff in total AND we have a smaller class this year - only 10 students.
Which means more rest for the weary.
And surprisingly, I still feel weary.  I've had time to rest and recuperate in Washington.  But I still feel tired.  So, I'm grateful that we will have a slightly lighter workload this year, even if it means not as many students.  God knows.

I'll try to get back in the habit of blogging now that the school is up and running.
For now, it's good to be back.
-Jillian

Out of Office Memo

It's true.  There are still places in the world where people don't rely on the internet for daily connection with the rest of their world.  I will be in one of these places for the next 30 days.
Crazy.
The last few days have been a bit of a blur, but here are some highlights:

I turned 31

The temperatures in the valley hit triple digits for several days straight

The Caribbean team has prepared to teach Inductive Bible Study Seminars & Bible Overviews

The Caribbean team got our visas to the nation where we are going

My computer battery died and since I typed that I've accidentally bumped the power cord and had to restart it once - thank God for auto-save

The CSBS graduated last Saturday

Two CSBS students are on outreach in East Asia currently

Four CSBS students and two staff (myself and my friend, Emily) are about to head to the Caribbean

I suppose that's about it.  If you try to email me or call me during the month of July, I won't respond.  I won't actually get your message until I get back in the USA.
So... here's my out of office memo.
See you all in August!
Pray for us!
We need it!

11 Days

The CSBS (Chronological School of Biblical Studies for any newbies to my page) is graduating in 11 days on June 22nd, 2013!  It is starting to sink in that after 9 long months and 66 books of the Bible, 20 amazing young men and women will be graduating and going on to change the world with the truth of God's Word.  I have had the awesome privilege of walking alongside these students as a staff member - grading their homework, leading them in worship times, and teaching lectures on Inductive Bible Study and the books of Job, Micah, Jeremiah, 2nd Corinthians, and Titus.  I've also just lived life with them along with the five other amazing staff members.  Because we are an intensive course, students don't have multiple courses they are taking with different teachers and different classmates in each course.  Rather, for nine months, we have walked through the Bible and walked through life together as one group - we are in lectures together, we eat meals together, we hang out in our free time together... yep - it's like a hippie commune.  But with showers and soap.  :)


I've really grown to love each person in this CSBS and will miss the ones that will leave us after graduation.  But I'm so excited to hear the stories of God using them and using his word to transform European University Campuses, the Fashion Industry in the USA, various nations in Asia, and who knows how many other areas of society!

My roommate, Shannon, just returned from leading a DTS (Discipleship Training School) outreach to China and their school graduates this Saturday... it's so fun and inspiring to hear stories of how God used these teams in China, Kenya, and Thailand!  Very cool.  God could just reveal himself to people in dreams and visions (and he does do this, also) but often times he chooses to use us - fallible, plain, and rather weak human beings - to reveal who he is to the world.  A few of these DTS students are considering doing the CSBS in September, which I will also be staffing.  Pray that God would speak clearly to each one of these DTS graduates about his calling and plans for their lives and that they would be obedient.  IF that happens to be CSBS, that would be awesome!  :)  It is such a great foundation for any believer who wants to live according to God's word, but definitely for anyone who wants to be a missionary!

Finally, on July 1st I will be leaving for the "Caribbean" with the CSBS teaching team I am co-leading.  The four students taught as a team for the first time last week at my church in LA, Winds of Hope.  They taught a seminar on the Inductive Bible Study Method and went through the book of Titus with Spanish and English speakers.  This was excellent practice for the Caribbean nation where we will be in July.  We are meeting weekly and getting excited about the opportunities that are opening up for us in a not-so-open nation.

Jill, Amanda, Geoff, Josh, Kate, & Emily with Winds of Hope Church

Titus Inductive Bible Study Seminar with Winds of Hope Church

So, lots of fun and exciting (and a little hectic) stuff happening this week and the next!  I will try to post one more time before I leave for the Caribbean (no internet access where we will be.)
Until then, have a WONDERFUL WEEK!
- Jillian

So grateful...

My parents are seriously the best parents ever.

And my friends and family in Washington are pretty great as well!

My mom initiated and organized a fundraising event for my outreach team, called "Gospel & Grub!"  My Dad helped make a ton of Caribbean Jerk chicken for the event and also run the sound system, and the event brought in not only enough for my outreach fees but for two other students as well!

There are so many people who gave towards our outreach... and I'd just like to take a moment to say, "THANK YOU!!!" I would thank each and every one of you personally for your help with the Gospel & Grub night... or for giving financially towards our team... but I'd have a difficult time knowing where to start.  If you happened to give by check, then I can track you down.  But I know you didn't give for the thank you card.  You all are awesome and I am humbled to be a part of serving alongside you in the Kingdom of God.  I hope someday I will get a chance to thank each one of you who contributed time, efforts, or finances to seeing my team go to teach the Bible in the Caribbean region.

But there's one person I want to take the time to publicly and personally thank - my momma.  She put so much heart and soul and elbow grease into making this "Gospel & Grub" event happen.  So, here's my little shout out to my mother who had an idea and ran with it.

Mom - you continue to inspire and encourage me in all areas of life.  You serve and bless people regardless of their age, nationality, or background.  You give selflessly to people you've never even met!  And you genuinely care for others.  Throughout the years I've learned so much from you: the value of helping and serving others who are in more difficult circumstances, the value of honoring parents and caring for them in their old age (yes, I will be there for you when the time comes!), and the value of doing everything wholeheartedly and with excellence, from cleaning the house or weeding to working in an office or playing music.  You and Dad have taught me what it means to follow through with commitments and how to laugh and have fun in the midst of hard times.

I know Mother's Day and really, May 13th, are not easy days for you.  There is the pain of our loss, and I can only imagine that is stronger for you when you watch other mothers honored or shown affection by their kids and think of the hole in your life because Jeff isn't there anymore and your one living child lives far away.  So, while I want to say thank you for being my mom and for being the example that you are and always have been for me... I also want you to know that I am praying that this coming Sunday and Monday are not only bearable for you, but are filled with joy as you think of happy Jeff memories (he loved you very much) and knowing you have a daughter who also loves you very much even if she lives so very far away.

I wouldn't ever want to trade you for any other mother in the world.
You're the best mother I could have ever asked for.
Just sayin.

More about Outreach in July!

Hey all!  Here's some photos of my outreach team and a video sharing about what we're doing.  Still not mentioning the nation by name, but if you haven't figured it out by now, you can email me at jillianesther@gmail.com for more details!  :)

From Left to Right: Kate Cook, Josh & Amanda Warner, Geoff Cummer, Emily Yoder, Jillian Wellman

We are completely serious 100% of the time.

So excited to be co-leading a team with my buddy, Emily.  

Outreach!

My heart is heavy as I think of the nation where my friend, Emily, and I will be leading a team of four Bible students to teach for the month of July.  

To our understanding up until recently, this nation has been enjoying more religious freedom than normal.  We will be going to said nation with "religious worker" visas.  For us outsiders, we will be safe and legally allowed to teach the Bible in small house churches.  Closely monitored, of course, but permitted to teach, nonetheless.  This is pretty amazing!  

But, for local pastors and believers, there is still persecution - even beatings and imprisonments.  As I read an article about this current persecution, I realized what a privilege God has given us to be able to serve these churches in a time where they need some truths on which to stand, in which to hope... truths found in the promises of God in the Bible... truths that will help them through this rocky time.

This brings me to another current reality:  I don't have the finances needed for this outreach.  I am so blessed to receive consistent monthly support from a variety of people, but this monthly support goes to living expenses with little left to save for special projects, such as this trip in July.  I truly believe God has opened doors for myself and our little team to travel to this "closed" nation to encourage and teach the believers there, who are hungry for teaching and Bible study resources.  I also believe that God is faithful to provide for the things to which he calls us.  My dependence is on God alone for my needs.  However, he does often use people to meet those needs.  Perhaps he is calling you to be a part of bringing Bible teaching and encouragement to the persecuted church in this undisclosed nation, by supporting me financially to be able to go.  If you feel this is something God is stirring in your heart, I would be honored to partner with you for the sake of the Gospel.  

I need $2100 by May 15th to cover flights, visas, housing, food, transportation, and ministry expenses.   

If you want to make a tax deductible donation, you can do so by sending a check (made out to Jillian Wellman) to:

     Hockinson Community Church

     15918 182nd Ave

     Brush Prairie, WA 98606

Or, you can go online to ywamla.org to make a secure online donation.

If you want to know more about this current persecution, please email me for a link to the article I mentioned.  

DISCLAIMER:

Please don't get me wrong - I don't share this information to persuade or manipulate you to give towards my trip.  I truly believe God will provide and that may or may not be through you.  But I was challenged by a supporter of mine who recently said, "Jill, if you don't tell people your needs, you might be robbing them of a chance to get involved in missions!"  I hope you don't feel expected to give or ANYTHING like that... I'm only trying to be obedient to the Lord by sharing this opportunity to be involved in missions in a nation I am not able to mention here.  :)  

Why the Old Testament?

Last week we finished studying the Old Testament in the Chronological School of Biblical Studies (CSBS.)  Emily Yoder taught on Malachi and at the end of her lecture she posed a question to our students:  Why the Old Testament?  Why is it important to study it?  Why did God take so long to bring about his plan of redemption through Jesus?  Why the Law?  ... Basically, why the Old Testament?

I could write my answer to the question... but instead, I'd like to share some of the things that our students shared.  I only copied their words into my journal.  This makes my heart happy.  And, while we've seen Jesus throughout the Old Testament, I feel this anticipation and excitement for the students to study the New Testament (now that they have studied the Old) and meet Jesus in a whole new way.

P.S.  Click on the image to zoom in!  :)

Jeremiah teaching

I know, I know.  

It's been several weeks since I taught Jeremiah.  

Nonetheless, here are some photos from the last day I taught.  We had a funeral service for Jerusalem... 

Mourning the destruction of Jerusalem (We have a thing for drama in our class.)

Eva, Peter, Patrick, and Jeff during a time of prayer and reflection

It was a somber time of realizing the cost of Judah's persistent rejection of relationship with God... the cost of sin.  And the lengths to which God went to get his people back.  

If you have never read this book, I encourage you to do so.  It is long, but so worth your time.  Jeremiah was a guy who lived a hard life, was extremely unsuccessful in ministry, but he had a relationship with God in a time when few did.  

Jeremiah is called the weeping prophet... 

He weeps, God weeps... it's a sad book.  

But we can all learn from Jeremiah's consistent obedience to God despite opposition.  

And we can all learn from Judah's mistakes.  

And we can ultimately learn that we have a God who loves mankind so much that he will do whatever it takes to bring about his plan to redeem us all.  

Oh yeah.  And he did!

Practically speaking... if you're going to read Jeremiah...

A good devotional on Jeremiah's life is Run with the Horses, by Eugene Peterson.  

But, honestly, just open up your Bible and read Jeremiah from start to finish and see if God doesn't show you more of his heart through the book.  If you get confused or want the back story, email me, or check out a bible dictionary or encyclopedia online.  There are so many resources out there.  

Okay, I'm done with my shameless plug for reading the Bible.  

What can I say?  

I'm passionate about people knowing the Word for themselves.  

Jeremiah Chapter 19

Well, that's about it for now.  The CSBS is studying Ezra & Esther this week.  In only three more weeks we will be finished with the Old Testament and ready to start into the New.

If you're interested in receiving my Spring Newsletter, please email me your address (or email address if you prefer a PDF version.)

Now, go read your Bible and be blessed! 

Teaching & Preaching

Hey friends,

Life has been a bit hectic for January - I prepared then taught Jeremiah (which is the longest book in the Hebrew Bible) this week in the CSBS and I am also preaching at my church, Winds of Hope, this Sunday.  I will be giving a much more thorough update with photos soon, but just wanted to touch base with you all.  I'm alive and well and have so much to share!  But... for now, a simple hello will have to do!

Love from the city of Angels,
Jillian

If I Stand

Happy New Year!

I heard this song recently and though it's an oldie, the words really resonated in my heart.  "Stuff of earth competes for the allegiance I owe only to the giver of all good things..."  Rich had a way with words.  How many of us can relate with this competition for our allegiance?

This is our first week back in the CSBS and the students are studying Hosea.  In lectures, Megan Burmester, who was teaching Hosea, called God's love "a love that tolerates no rival."  Pretty grateful that the same God who desires our undivided affection has grace when we screw up and go after the stuff of earth rather than him.  I need that grace today.  

Anyway, here's the lyrics and a link to the song on youtube.  Hope you are encouraged by this song!

There's more that rises in the morning
Than the sun
And more that shines in the night
Than just the moon
It's more than just this fire here
That keeps me warm
In a shelter that is larger
Than this room

And there's a loyalty that's deeper
Than mere sentiment
And a music higher than the songs
That I can sing
The stuff of Earth competes
For the allegiance
I owe only to the Giver
Of all good things

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't, let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

There's more that dances on the prairies
Than the wind
More that pulses in the ocean
Than the tide
There's a love that is fiercer
Than the love between friends
More gentle than a mother's
When her baby's at her side

So if I stand let me stand on the promise
That you will pull me through
And if I can't let me fall on the grace
That first brought me to You
And if I sing let me sing for the joy
That has born in me these songs
And if I weep let it be as a man
Who is longing for his home

December memories of Jeff & Patrick

This time of year can be a little melancholy for me.
I've been thinking of friends and family who have passed away... mainly two guys.
My brother, who's birthday is December 14th, would be 33 this year.  Weird.
And then there's my buddy Patrick who died last December.  He had just turned 30.

I've had the privilege of listening to a few live bands the last few weeks and as fun as it has been, it has been bittersweet.  Jeff and Pat were both music lovers so watching people play music (and have fun playing) reminds me of them.  I remember playing with Jeff and our dreams of being in a band.  We weren't that great... we didn't have the same style and were always fighting over what songs to play or how to play them... but I'd still love to be able to play with Jeff again, even if the only dynamics he used was FORTISSIMO.  We loved playing "Folsom Prison Blues" by Johnny Cash and "Break on Through to the Other Side" by the Doors.  Pat was a high school friend who, along with a few others, taught me how to play guitar.  He wasn't super great either, but again... we had fun.  I learned how to play a few Zeppelin songs like "Over the Hills and Far Away" and "Stairway to Heaven" from him.

I don't normally talk about the following stuff, as it can feel like I'm speaking ill of the dead, but it's heavy on my heart... I hope you know my intentions aren't too speak poorly of my brother or of Pat... but here goes:  Both Jeff and Patrick died too early because of addictions they couldn't shake.

My brother was convinced he was invincible with drunk driving... he'd been in so many accidents that he'd walked away from somehow.  (They never were his fault, either...)  We even joked about the "Jeff Wellman Special" he pulled when he knocked over a power pole after flipping his car several times.  I think I never wanted to admit that his final car accident was a result of alcohol... I felt like people judged my brother and I didn't want to give them reason for their judgment.  I didn't want to remember him for his faults.  I don't really want people to remember me for mine.

Pat had a relapse and overdosed on heroin.  I know people judged him, too.  I was at his memorial and heard some of the well-intentioned but hurtful comments.

And while this is not how I want to remember them, it is part of their life stories.  It breaks my heart that addictions took the life of these two young men.  It breaks my heart that they struggled to fight addiction (sometimes they didn't really try to fight it...) and were often alone in the struggle.  It breaks my heart that I wasn't able to do more for either of them.  I didn't know how to deal with it.  Not sure why I'm even sharing this in my blog.

I guess I just miss them... no, it's not even that.  I don't miss that part of them.  Jeff could be a real jerk when he was belligerent and convinced he wasn't drunk.  And I'm kind of glad I never saw Patrick during the years he struggled with his addiction even though I made efforts.  (I feel guilty admitting that...  I feel like a horrible friend.)

I do miss them.  But I think what hurts the most is that I miss what could have been.

I'm sad Jeff and I didn't get that summer to hang out and play music and float down the river like we had planned when I returned home from Australia.  I'm sad that I didn't catch up with Pat last December like we had planned the weekend before he died.
I'm sad that I have regrets.
I'm sad that I have guilt for having regrets.  (Because I've been taught you shouldn't have them.)
I'm sad when I see guys their age who are successful or who have families... I feel like addictions robbed them of their chance at either.

I'm even sad that I am afraid to post this because you might judge them...
or try to give me some advice which I neither need nor want.
Why do I want to post this?
What great moral could I pull out of all of this pain and heartache?
Don't drink and drive?  Don't do drugs?
Sure... I would love if me telling you that would encourage you to get help and stop doing either.
But I doubt it would.
Maybe this post is for my friends, like me, who don't struggle with drug or alcohol addictions.
A message to love well and not give up on our loved ones who do struggle with this crap.
A message to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a hurting world.

I honestly don't have a message or moral to share.  I just felt like I needed to share.  But here's some verses from Micah that have reminded me of the only hope and positive thing I can share... which is my God's character.  He doesn't change, even when I'm sad or angry.  Even when I feel angry with myself for still dealing with grief.  Even when I feel robbed of the "what could have beens."  God is still here.  His love for Jeff and Patrick never failed.  His love for me never failed.  He hasn't left me to sit in the pits alone.
He's with us.  I guess that's pretty cool.

Who is a God like you, 
pardoning iniquity and passing over the transgression 
of the remnant of your possession?
He does not retain his anger forever, 
because he delights in showing clemency.
He will again have compassion on us;
he will tread our iniquities under foot.
You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.
You will show faithfulness to Jacob
and unswerving loyalty to Abraham,
as you have sworn to our ancestors from the days of old.
Micah 7:18-20

Family photo 1982 - isn't Jeff adorable?  So excited for newborn itty-bitty sister Jillian!   

Patrick doing what he loved - playing songs and making people smile.  

Job Complete

I taught the book of Job last week and the students had a special assignment to create videos telling the story creatively.  There is so much to this book, but here are a few things I took away from this book:

• When life hurts, answers won't make things better.  We need God more than answers.
• When we cry out to God in our pain, we join with many others who lamented to him in the Bible:  David, Jeremiah, Job, and Jesus... just to name a few.  Those laments weren't edited out of the Bible... they stand as a reminder that it's okay to talk with God in our pain.
• If a person is suffering, it is not necessarily a result of sin.  On the other hand, if someone is "righteous" it does not mean they will not have suffering in life.  God is relational, not transactional.  Things aren't always cause and effect.  

In less than 3 weeks I will be teaching Micah for our CSBS and the Tijuana CSBS, so I must keep this update short as I have much work to do!  I will teach on December 10th in Tijuana and on the 11th in Los Angeles.  Really looking forward to diving into the prophets.

Oh yes, here's a video from Job from one of the groups - hope you enjoy!

Is it November already???

Frontside of Trailer 15 - My house!  I have 4 awesome roommates and the other side of the house is a nice Australian/American family with two kids

Here's me grading homework in a vacant cubicle

Here's the SBS Classroom - Our Theme is Illumination

Campfire at Joshua Tree National Park

Our new yellow wall!  

CHOC Walk at Disneyland - with Phineas & Ferb

I'm pretty excited to share that the CSBS in Los Angeles is well underway - they've finished Genesis through Samuel and are gearing up for the Wisdom Literature section (Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs, and Job - which I will be teaching!)  We went to Joshua Tree National Park for the "Wilderness Wandering" a few weeks ago, where the students reenacted stories from Exodus and Numbers.  I've been quite busy in the last month, mostly with grading, meeting with students, and prepping my own teaching times as well as working Friday nights in the coffee shop on base.  But, no excuses, it was time for an update!

In my free time, I've been settling into my home here in Lake View Terrace.  My roommate, Emily and I painted our room (we have a happy yellow wall now), I've seen some old friends in Orange County, and I participated in the CHOC Walk - a fundraiser for Children's Hospital of Orange County.  I've also found a home-away-from-home church down the road - Winds of Hope, a Spanish/English Church with a similar feel to it as Hockinson Community Church and Central Kona Union - it's small, but full of life!  

Some fun news, I'll be bringing two girls from the school home to Washington with me for Christmas - Eva and Emilie from Germany and Sweden.  We will be driving up on Saturday, December 22nd and arriving on the 23rd to stay for 2 weeks!  

So a few prayer requests:

- For students to keep going strong for the rest of the quarter (and the 2 quarters after!)

- For my upcoming teaching on the book of Job on November 19th-20th

- For strength & energy for myself (and the other staff) as we grade, teach, and help with base responsibilities

- For my back, I tweaked it at the beach last week and it's still quite painful :/  

Thank you so much for your prayers and for taking the time to read what's been happening with me in California!  Dios te Bendiga!!!

Genesis 2012

Cliff teaching Genesis (Our theme verse is on the wall!)



"Truth Board" - During worship each week the students write down what God has been revealing to them through their studies - this is our first one!

The Chronological School of Biblical Studies (CSBS) kicked off Sunday night with 24 students and 8 staff.  We spent time in worship and getting to know one another on Monday, but then Tuesday brought on Genesis first readings!  (This is where the students read the whole book out loud in one sitting to get the big picture before they dive into the details.)  Yesterday we took time out from Genesis and went to Manhattan Beach.  I loved being back in the waves!  I think I had a perma-grin the whole day.  (In case you didn’t know, I love the ocean.)  

About our students:  I LOVE THEM!  Such a great group of passionate young people who want to change the world.  But there is some baggage they carry with them.  (Don’t we all?)  Without going into details, a large percentage of our students have dealt with major grief issues in the past year - from a brother who committed suicide to a fellow DTS classmate who was murdered after she had returned home.  There’s some heartache in our group and I am so humbled to be part of shepherding this flock of wounded sheep, if you will.  What I love though, is that they have come to the Bible for healing, for truth, for some sort of foundation for the hope that they have.  It reminds me of when I first came to my CSBS in 2009.  I didn’t have any great aspirations... my heart was hurting and I missed my brother... but I came to Jesus and met him in the pages of the Bible.  My heart’s cry was like the disciple, Peter, when Jesus was saying difficult things and causing his disciples to make a conscious decision... it wasn’t a huge statement of faith... it was a basic realization that Jesus was THE only answer.

66 After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. 67 So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” 68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, 69 and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God.”  (John 6:66-69)

I believe that is why our students have come.  They believe Jesus has the words of eternal life and that he alone is the Holy One of God.  Some of them have believed this for a long time, some have only believed this for under a year and don’t even know the name of the guy who was in the ark or in the belly of the big fish.  We are all going to be learning and growing as we sit at the feet of the Holy One of God, the one who has the words of eternal life.  

So please pray for us.  Bible study is not like other studies.  It changes us, molds us more into the people we were created to be.  Sometimes that is an easy and natural process, sometimes it is a painful, yet beautiful process.  

• Pray for the students who have recently lost a friend or loved one.  
• Pray for the students who have been living as missionaries for a few years, but became disillusioned and are coming to the Bible to strengthen their foundations so they can continue to serve for the long haul.  
• Pray for the students who just came to know Jesus in 2012 and have chosen to start off their relationship with him digging into the Bible to know him more.  
• And by all means, please pray for us staff who have the privilege and responsibility to lead and teach these little ones.  
• Pray that we might have the fear of the Lord in all we do, that we would teach and live with integrity, and that we might flourish in this season and not burn out.  
• Pray for our leaders, Nigel & Megan Burmester!  They are an awesome family and are carrying a lot of things on their shoulders in this time.  Megan is homeschooling her two boys, leading a women's bible study at her church, and helping to co-lead this school!  Nigel is co-leading this school and also an elder for YWAM Los Angeles and a go-to guy for the accounting office.  They need prayers for grace and extra hours in the day.  

What about you?  Have you ever felt like you had no where else to go?  Like you came to Jesus because you had tried everything else and finally realized he was the only answer, the only resolution to your searches?  How did you find him in that moment?  Was it through the Bible, through a friend, through a good book or song?  How could you encourage someone else to turn to him?  

Thanks for reading this, praying, and commenting!  

In LA!

I hit the ground running here.  Once I dropped Dad off at Burbank airport, I drove back and immediately joined the other staff for 2 weeks of staff training and preparation for the Chronological School of Biblical Studies!  The CSBS starts tomorrow.  I am in between airport runs at the moment, so I probably won't write much right now.  

Los Angeles is... in a few words... hot, refreshing, really hot, feeling like home, but really hot right now.  :)  Seriously, it does feel like I'm supposed to be here and that God has been orchestrating this season in my life as he has always been doing.  I drove down with my finances dwindling after purchasing my car, but this week was blessed with enough money to pay back some money I had borrowed for tires, as well as enough to pay for my food and housing fees for September and October and my car insurance for six months.  

I want to share more about who gave towards me and acknowledge each person by name, but at the risk of embarrassing someone, I'll just say... THANK YOU.  I have some very generous friends and family who love me and give towards the missions work I do.  And I'd like to say, "We made it!"  I'm here in LA because of you!  I'm still serving the Lord as a full-time volunteer because of you!  

Okay, I better be off now... one more girl to pick up from Burbank airport tonight!  

More updates to come!

Love,

Jillian